Why should l bother?

One time that l have personally asked this question was out of frustration, irritation and impatience. At my means of earning a paycheck things were getting foggy. I was irritable and really impatient with everyone and anyone. I found myself to be a source of nothing but negativity and l went there, l checked meself and wondered why l was bothering with even getting out of my apartment to go in. I could stay home, or go somewhere else. Why was l even bothering?
A friend is being ……… selfish, self centered and not being a true friend to me. I am always the one to call, it is not like she never calls…. she has called me a few times, we have hanged out a few times but am always the one to call her, am always the one to insist on us getting together.. why do l even bother?
My sister gets on my nerves!!!!! We are blood l know, at the same time it does not mean l have any obligation to her… she is nothing like me, and she does not get me at all. It is always about her, and if it is not she will make it about her. The world does not revolve around her. Am l bothering because we are blood???
The word bother has various definitions. One meaning is to the trouble to do something, to concern oneself about something. It also means to cause discomfort, annoyance, confusion. What meaning would you like to attach to you taking the time to bother? To bother waking up and going to work, regardless or in spite of? To bother calling that friend one more time and reminding her or him that you are yet to schedule your next date night? To bother letting your pain of a sister that there is a reason why she is your sister and you love her regard less?
His Heart was broken over and over again by His children. The weight of it all was put on one man, who was perfect. He knew of no sin but He bore it all for us all on the cross. He bothered, for us, for me He bothered. So who am l to go there, it is not about me, it should really never be about me. I go wrong when l make it about me.
There is always something bigger than you, it is not always about you or l and that is why we, it is why l should always bother.

Alex.

The act that was on stage was boring, and it was taking forever to get done. If only there was a fast forward button…… They were not going on for awhile so she could afford to take a stroll. She walked out, climbed the stairs and was heading up the little hill and there he was coming down the hill. She knew who he was, being in the same school with his sister helped. He also happened to be a topic with the girls, they all found him interesting and a really nice guy. He was among the few good ones out of a bunch of rotten ones. She was not sure if he knew who she was, but she was bored and needed to do something fun to kill the boredoom and he gave her an idea. She quickly jumped into his path, he was surprised…taken back a little. The look on her face told him it was intentional and not by accident, he moved to the other side she followed… she was not going to let him through. She looks straight at him with a naughty smile on her face, she says hallo and he responds. She introduces herself as Alex, he pauses before responding and he introduces himself as Betty. And a relationship was formed. Every time they would meet that is how they would refer to each other, and they had stories to go with the characters that they were playing. He would really play out the role of the shy girl being hit on by this really good looking guy. In their school’s plays he would tend to play the role of a girl so he had put some time in rehearsing for this globe winning performance. She loved it, he played along very well and never missed a beat. If she threw him a curve ball he would throw it right back at her, letting her know that he can hold his own.
Eventually the act was dropped and they got to know each other as friends. He was at the time in love and dating another female. It took time for her to get past his not being single and free to mingle. It was what it was and besides her hands were full with all the others that were single and free to mingle. They were friends and this lasted through out his high school and then hers. The letters between them were always interesting, interesting in comparison to all the other letters that she and all the other girls were receiving at the time. There was nothing about how much he misses her or how good she looked the last time that he saw…among other things that boys would say then….. then they were done with High School and they were out in the real world. Their friendship changed only in terms of no more letters. Now they would just have lunch and talk and talk… and then he would go back to work and she would go where ever. He shares how his gal broke his heart, and she was sad right there with him…he is a jamaa after all because he took the focus off him and turned it to her,’so what is going on with you this week?’ and there was always something going on with her…… her family…..college… looking for work and then there was the boys… yes there was always the boys.
One day they were having lunch, rice and something was on their plates. He shares that he needs her input on something that has been weighing heavy on him. That had her interest peaked, please shot as she put her spoon down and looked at him attentively. Well, there was a girl and he was really, really digging her. What???? Good for you boy, took you long enough to get back to it…. l was worried. Who is she, spill it…well l am torn about letting her know, we are really good friends and l do not want to lose her friendship. He looks at her and asks what would you suggest l do? All she could think about was her boy was finally over the other girl and if there was anything that she could contribute to his getting back on the dating scene heck yer. Well, what is the worst case scenario here? You tell her, she lets you No that she is not feeling you and you move on since you are already friends. Would it not be sweet if she feels the way too? So you honestly think l should tell her, Yes!!!!! please tell her and we can all have lunch together……. he pauses, looks at her and states his case. You are that girl.

Guilty by association.

Morning preps were done and now it was time for church. She was torn, does she go down to the hall where all the sisters in Christ met for church or does she go for mass in one of the classes and be done in an hour or less? The school was made up of like 80% Christians, 19% Catholics and then like 1% Muslim. If at all there was someone of other belief among us it was hard to tell because they would end up being in one of the two or in the dorm with the two Muslim dadas….. she opted for the Catholic Mass and thus she did not need to carry a chair with. If anything she would sit on a desk, at the back where she was planning to sit anyway. She got there and squeezed in and her mind drifted in and out of the mass, she was there for all the wrong reasons. She was not there to worship or even talk to God, she really just wanted to be done with mass so that she could go and lay on her bed and take a long awaited nap. Much of what was going on around her was totally besides the point, her mind has always done that for her, taken her away to some other place than where she was at the time. Mass ended and that was that. Later on in the day, rumors started to spread about there being a list of those were really noisy during mass. She did not think much about it because the only thing that she knew she was guilty of was not paying attention, her body was in mass but her mind was else where…she was as quiet as a mouse.
Monday morning parade was always like a big deal. All the teachers, the deputy and the headmistress would all make an appearance. Like if anything happened we ever needed parade to know what was going on… A list of names of girls that needed to see the Heady was going to be read out, if your name was read immediately after parade please see the heady. Like really where else would one want to go, l always wondered? Hmmmm immediately after parade does not work for me, can l please go powder my nose, get my lip gloss and come after that? When her name was read, the headmistress snapped and she was like,’No, they should not come and see me. Deputy, please go ahead and give them their leave outs-two weeks. They can see me when they get back’Just like that, because of her there is no way anyone can be innocent of the crime, if she is among them for sure a crime has been committed and there are consequences to be faced. She on the other hand stood frozen, what???? how????? who??????? she tried thinking back to the mass and she was so sure that she was not making noise, she could only speak to her not making noise. Those who were around her and what it is that they did or did not do during mass that was not on her. But here she was, suspended and because of something that she did before no one wants to hear her out, because of a past transgression there is no possibility of her innocence this time. That is not even what she was thinking about, her or the few that saw her when she came back from her first suspension. He is for sure going to kill me this time, that much l know. This is it, am done for. Parade over, she went through the motion of collecting her leave out form with the other girls. It was something that had to be done. They went to the dorm to pack up, not that there was much to take with. They all gathered in one cubicle to process the suspension, it was pointed out that the list was actually longer and there are names that were taken off the list, there were those who were stoked pink about going home. The two week break was actually a welcomed thing. She found out that out of the whole group of 15 girls only one other was freaking out in the inside. Her mother was not going to be too cool about it. Eventually it was time to leave, as much as she wished that they all could stay here in the dorm for the duration of the suspension. It was time to go and face the music, as much as she dreaded it, inside she wondered what the girls would think if she asked one of them if she could stay with them instead of going home…… he would find out and then it would worse…… on the way to town there is a river. It is not a fast one or a violent one, she paused over it though and wondered how deep it really was.. if l did not jump but just walked in until l am not visible anymore and just disappear…. she was nudged let us go….. it will not be so bad besides you were not making noise, we were… someone must not like you. It did not comfort her one bit to hear the girls share on her innocence, they did not speak up for her to the headmistress and none of them were coming home with her. Then came the parting of ways, the goodbyes, hugs and see you later and the anxiety rose. Or was it panic? When she finally got to her destination she went looking for her mother, who upon seeing her froze because she knew that it was not something good that had brought her daughter home…….. she read the leave out and took a deep breath……
Fast forward please to the girls getting back to school and things getting back to normal for her, or at least almost there. She invested time and energy to find out who and why, she needed to know. There had to be a reason and soon she had her answers. The girl that put her name down did not really like her, and her seating around others who were guilty made it all easy. Really? At first she went really gangsta in her head, l want to revenge-l want to get you back for my two weeks of missing class among other things….what can l do????? If this was San Quin for a pack of cigarettes l could have her beat down on her way to the dorm after the night preps….. she could slip in the bathroom-have you seen how the showers look like? Then she calmed down, started processing it all….and then it happened. She was suspended too. Apparently the girl and her friends were not happy with the breakfast menu and they decided to share their feelings by pouring the breakfast on the floor. Yes, she walked to the gate to watch the girl leave. She did not say anything, she just watched. That was enough for her.

I call you Friend

When l think of you friend, l want to feel some warmth. I want to feel some love, l want to feel accepted. Positive and healthy emotions is what l want to feel. Why then am l feeling on guard, why do l feel l have check my words before l utter them to you? Why am l doubting that what l share with you stays with you and does not leave you? Hold up, am saying that l do not trust you? Am a talker, am not very good at processing it all in my head. l tend to feel like l am losing it, racing thoughts, none of them make sense. l feel so much better when l open my mouth and let it all out. I need a safe and warm place to do that. I thought that was you….. what happened?
So now am wondering could it be that you are only being the friend that l am to you? I am the one who will show you how to be a friend to me, l know that you are not an angel and you do not read minds so l have to be the one to teach you how to be my friend. I must have done an aweful job at teaching you for us to be where we are now…. it is akward and infuriating because truth be told l have never needed you more. I value what we have and should make the effort to make it right. I should sit you down and tell you how l feel and what am thinking. I should be honest with you and tell you all the things that l am feeling. I should see this as a learning and a growing opportunity and use it to our advantage. We should grow from this, even if it will be apart or together we should grow from it.

What l heard…

‘ I know how it is, to finally have something worth having, to believe deep down in a place that you never look that you deserve it. Our pain is our fuel, you either kick ass or get your ass kicked. The choice is ours, Nobody defines our worth unless we let them’

‘A fool knows the price of everything and the value of nothing’

‘ There are times in your life when all you can do at the end of the day is turnout the lights, flop on your bed and throw in the white towel, raise the white flag. For some, that kind of surrender is hard to even contemplate and harder to accept. There is a dignity in that, in fighting to the finish. In those moments in bed, right when the lights go out solace can be found, the very act of giving up becomes a starting point. You clear your head, you still your beating heart, your navigate the rocky shore of starting off again. Call it surrender or serenity ……. because the thing you never thought you would do or say or never have to face becomes more than what you have to do, it becomes the way it is’